Do you remember your teen years? This period is a really important one and comes with all of its ups and downs. It's full of identity development and exploration. Your teen may oscillate between trends, fashion styles, and music genres. You may feel more disconnected from your teen. Their peer relationships and status in those peer groups become priorities as they attempt to figure out who they are. They may be exploring their first romantic relationships.
They may make impulsive decisions to satisfy their egocentric needs, often without considering long-term consequences. They crave more autonomy, while usually avoiding more responsibility. They may experience big emotions and mood swings as you observe high and low periods. Guess who may receive the brunt of all of these emotional outbursts? The caregiver they feel the safest with, of course!
Why do these mood swings occur? Let's talk about teen brain development. Most of us know about the importance of the early years. There are sensitive periods during the first three years of life, where an incredible amount of brain connections are formed. Another sensitive period of development happens during the teen years, where an increase of neural connections form in the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for executive function skills, including impulse control, self-regulation, organization, problem-solving, and more. What does this mean? A teen's brain is not fully developed. Despite an increased desire for independence, they will continue to have challenges with impulsivity, problem-solving, conflict resolution, organizational skills, time management, and, of course, self-regulation. This means that we should strive to find a balance. How do we allow for autonomy and identity exploration, while continuing to prompt and guide appropriately? Navigating teen mood swings can be tricky. These are some things to consider:
Moodiness is developmentally normal. A teen’s hormonal changes and the journey through puberty can create more emotional dysregulation. Don't take it personally. Understanding this can help you feel less defensive, be more tolerant, and empathize with these emotional outbursts. This is easier said than done. Their words may sting. But remember, they're using words to assert themselves and regain control in situations where they feel powerless.
Let go of unreasonable expectations. This is a toughie! Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a renowned expert in conscious parenting with teens, often asks parents, "Have you ever found yourself hoping they would be more like who you want them to be?" It's easy to forget that our teen is their own person, not just an extension of us. They're figuring out who they are! Our role is guiding, setting boundaries, and supporting, not imposing our reality on them. Do we always want to set our teens up for success? Absolutely. Part of that is allowing them to explore and handle their own challenges, as long as they're safe. We highly recommend checking out Dr. Shefali on YouTube for more words of wisdom, or reading her book, Conscious Parenting.
Allow space for your teen to regulate before problem-solving. If your teen storms into the house and slams a door, our instinct is to immediately go in and attempt to solve the problem. Perhaps they have been containing many emotions throughout the day from an earlier conflict. Let them ride their wave of emotion first before attempting to problem-solve. Allow them to regulate first. Their room is often the safest place to do this. You can help prompt regulation by doing a quick check-in. "Hey, just checking in. I'm leaving a glass of water here while you take a breath. You let me know when you're ready to talk." Find a communication system that works. Your teen may respond better to a text message when they're dysregulated. If you know some of their regulation strategies, you can also support this. For example, if you know that this is a strategy that works for them, you can ask or text, "Do you want me to turn on your favorite song?" Don't be surprised if they don't want to talk about things after they finish regulating. This means they're ready to solve the problem on their own. A simple check-in can send the message that their safe person is available. Sometimes, that's all they need!
Be mindful of depressive symptoms and find a good counsellor. Although moodiness is developmentally normal during this sensitive period, there is a higher likelihood of experiencing some mental health challenges, including anxiety and depressive symptoms. If you find that your child's mental health is impacting their daily functioning, including academic performance, peer relationships, appetite, sleep, or energy, don't be afraid to seek professional support. A good counsellor can make a world of difference! Psychology Today is a great platform to find the right fit for your teen.
The teen years are challenging to navigate. Embrace the journey, for within the challenges lies the opportunity to cultivate resilience, understanding, and a profound bond with your teen that will endure for a lifetime.
Lara Higgins, BA and Joanna Piekarski, M. Ed, R. Psych, are child mental health advocates who started Psyched About Kids (PAK) in 2016 because they are obsessed with human potential! PAK empowers parents with science-backed knowledge, strategies, and tools to solve our most pressing parenting issues today and make life a little easier, along with ongoing support to implement the desired change. Small actions over time can have an unimaginable impact on child growth and development for lifelong health and wellness. Learn more at psychedaboutkids.com.
See our related articles:
Calgary’s Child Magazine © 2024 Calgary’s Child
