Failure. Most will agree it’s a part of life. Why is it then that it can feel so scary to imagine failing? We tend to rather avoid, not decide, distract, or do anything to not have to face it.
As tiny toddlers, we walked through the world failing constantly as we learned how to walk and talk and do all the things we are capable of, yet don’t give much thought to each day. Somewhere along the way, many of us came to believe that failure meant something bad about us.
As parents, we can play an important role in supporting our teens and children to adopt a different belief around failure. One that will support them, not let failure stop them, and help them grow and thrive. But how?
3 things you can stop doing right now
Stop hiding your imperfections. It’s still important to have boundaries. A certain okayness with not knowing everything going on in your teen’s life, or ensuring kids aren’t overexposed to personal experiences, matters. However, the days of believing that it most benefits children when we hide all hardships is long gone. They have a sense of stuff going on and are impacted, even if we don’t say anything. Embracing moments of failure as opportunities to show children and teens ways to cope is a priceless gift. Let them know about a mistake you made at work, or something you wished you’d said differently to a friend, and show them how you’re working through it.
Stop punishing for mistakes. Consequences are still a thing. Natural consequences, where parents aren’t the ones imposing them are even better. Being thoughtful about what you’re hoping your teen or child will take away from the experience can help guide your choice on how you want to respond to a mistake. Oftentimes, this means taking a step back before addressing a situation. Most of the time, parents want their child to learn skills and values that will help them succeed. When the consequences don’t match the situation, it can be confusing and lead to internal beliefs that there is something wrong with them in making mistakes and it misses the mark on what you’re hoping to accomplish.
Stop measuring success purely on the outcomes. Many of the teens I work with who struggle with anxiety get really stuck on the outcomes looking a certain way. It can cause a lot of unnecessary doubt and distress to focus solely on the results. The word ’success’ implies that the outcome is an important part. With that being said, success is also about the purpose, the journey, and the undertaking. Whether it’s learning to tie your shoe or deciding what college to go to, the process is just as important, if not more sometimes, than the outcome.
3 things you can start doing right now
Recognize the growth and learning that happens from a mistake. Thinking back to our tiny toddler selves trying to say a new word – we kept at it, regardless of the number of times we misspoke, and eventually, with encouragement and practice, we would get there. Some questions you can ask your kids to get to the growth of a mistake are: What happened? How do you feel now? What do you want to do? What’s the upside or downside of that? How would you go about it next time? What did you learn about yourself and others?
Embrace accountability and ownership. Encouraging the participation of organized sports, groups, and clubs will help provide a framework to learn accountability. Offering choices as early on as possible, and staying consistent with this practice in your parenting, will build that accountability muscle. The trick is knowing and accepting that the freedom to make choices means mistakes and failure will be had. Your role can be one of support and guidance as they learn to solve problems and make their own choices for their developmental stage.
Highlight a mindful approach. The truth is that failure is still hard and can bring up all kinds of uncomfortable feelings. Taking a mindful approach is about building up resilience and the ability to be with those uncomfortable feelings, without getting completely overwhelmed. They will pass and the situation will pass. Mindful approaches can be modeled in the way we show empathy and validation of our children and teens’ experience (e.g., I can only imagine how bad this feels right now). It can also be in encouraging them to allow a feeling and express it safely. One way to help the mind take a step back from the intensity is in identifying the thoughts, by saying something like, “I’m having the thought that…” or “I’m noticing I’m having thoughts like…” The more mindful we are, the more potential for insight and growth.
Learning from mistakes starts with shifting the belief of what failure means. This can start at any age. From now, what’s one way you will support your kids to believe that failures are opportunities to grow?
Chantal Côté is a registered psychologist and teen life coach. She is the owner of Pyramid Psychology, helping teen girls build unbreakable mindsets.
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