Absent Father: The 'absent' style of fathering can be literal (a deadbeat dad who abandons his son) or figurative (emotionally or intellectually absent). All types of absent fathering lead to the son's profound sadness and anger. The natural psychological response to a loss is fear, pain, and then anger to cover up the wound. A father's death is also a loss, but his involuntary departure versus the voluntary exit creates a different type of effect on the son.
Typically, boys cope with absent fathers in a number of ways. First, they become over-achievers, attempting to be the man their fathers never were and thereby please their mothers. Second, they personalize their fathers' indifference and rejection, assuming they are at fault for his departure. Third, they take their anger out on society and people closest to them. Trusting relationships are difficult for sons of absent fathers to form. It's why so many of them have difficulty working for others, especially male bosses. These men often aren't sure why they distrust, disdain, and dislike male authority figures, and this lack of insight may seem irrational from an outside perspective.
Compassionate/Mentor: The Compassionate/Mentor (C/M) style, as the name implies, combines emotional intelligence with a wise teacher approach. Sons feel that their dads are making them their number one priority, and fathers are willing to do whatever it takes to raise their sons properly. This style of fathering involves providing an emotional safe harbor in which the toddler, pre-teen and young man feels he can take chances, fail, and still be surrounded by his father's love.
As part of the C/M style, fathers help their sons learn how to reason. This might seem like a relatively innocuous task, but fathers who help their sons reason allow for the differences of opinions that independent reasoning produces. Rather than ignore or mock their sons' arguments, these fathers encourage their boys to think for themselves. Because these boys have felt their fathers' love, they are able to love and support others.You probably recognized your own father in the above descriptions. Hopefully, you recognized yourself in the last one. If, however, one of the first four scenarios hit home, you've got some serious work to do. You must come to terms with your relationship with your own father. And you must take steps now to add elements of compassion and mentoring to your interactions with your own son.
There is nothing more important that you can do with your life. "Fathering is a 'calling' and not a part-time job or something that can be approached casually and effortlessly," Poulter writes in his introduction to Father Your Son. "Fathering requires everything a man can give to his son. If you make this commitment, you and your son will reap the benefits for the rest of your lives. As you assess how you're doing as a father, don't be discouraged, no matter where you're falling short or how problematic your father-son relationship might be. Trust that you have the power to forge a strong, healthy relationship, and that above all else, fathers matter."
Excerpted from Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN 0-07141713-3, $14.95). Available at bookstores nationwide and all major online booksellers or by visiting mcgraw-hill.com. For more information, visit fatheryourson.com.
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