You don’t choose to have ADHD. Did you choose your eye color? Your date of birth? Nope! ADHD is something most people identify in early childhood. But! That doesn’t mean you have to let it run your life. There are loads of things people with ADHD can do very well at school and in their friendships. We need coaches to help us and these coaches can be teachers, psychologists, tutors and even your own parents!
ADHD is in your brain (but it’s not all “in your head”). Brains use different chemicals to communicate messages that help us do what we need to do. In brains with ADHD, sometimes these chemicals either don’t work as well, or work too hard… leading us to be hyperactive or have problems with focusing (or sometimes, become too focused). Sometimes, doctors will recommend medication that helps our brains to balance these brain chemicals so that we can feel more in control.
ADHD brains are very active. So, if you are disengaged, distracted and moving around, it’s not because you’re a “bad kid,” it’s because the brain keeps us moving. So, ADHD kids have to work very hard to become the boss of their brain.
People may think you can’t do certain things. You can! But sometimes, you have to do things in a different way than your classmates. You can talk, perform, make a video, interact, discuss, present, or combine any of these or other ways of letting people know what you know. Writing an essay is only one way to get to know what and how you understand things. Testing is one other way. You and your teacher can find a lot of other ways!
Sometimes, the world around you is boring compared to what is happening in your head. If people with ADHD had a mascot, it’d be a squirrel. Why squirrels? Because they are fast, funny, engaging, interesting, curious, constantly on the move… remind you of anyone? Compared to squirrels, people are pretty boring.
You probably know how to look like you are paying attention, even when odds are that you are probably not. People with ADHD learn how to camouflage, just like a chameleon. Why do chameleons camouflage? To avoid detection. So, you know how to look engaged and interested and smiling and nodding is a socially positive way to camouflage. But camouflage is just avoiding the problem. Let your teacher know that sometimes, you have to camouflage so that they can help you feel more safe in the classroom so that you don’t have to “hide.”
Sometimes, you are probably more interested in what is going on around you than you are in what is happening right in front of you. Wayne Gretzky’s peripheral vision (his ability to see things out of the corners of his eyes) was unbelievable. He once said that to most players, the goalie was a blob of pads. He saw the goalie as a blur – what he really saw was an open net. People with ADHD are like Gretzky – they see things that other people don’t.
ADHD does not affect only your behavior at school. It’s like a lens. Imagine wearing sunglasses all the time. Sometimes, it would be great, especially on sunny days. But sometimes, it’d be a pain – like when you are trying to read or watch a movie. Having ADHD is like wearing sunglasses all the time. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it works against you, but no matter what, it changes how you see things.
Anxiety (stress) and other big emotions make it difficult for you to express yourself. You may miscommunicate a lot, in many ways (verbally, body language, eye contact, how close you are to someone else, sitting appropriately in class etc.). Sometimes, you need reminders about how to communicate in a positive way with your classmates and friends, your teachers, and your family.
You think about things in a lot of different ways. I like to think outside of, around, through, in and above the box. In fact, there is no box. Attempts to put me into a box will be very similar to giving a cat a bath – it may seem like a sensible thing to you, but it is against every instinct of the cat.
Your brain has ADHD – and so does your body. You can be oversensitive to touch, you need to move, you flop, you touch, you make sounds. Generating noise is satisfying and soothing.
You’ll hate the wrong kind of attention, so if you feel threatened, you do what almost all humans (and animals) do when under threat – Figh-Flight-Freeze. Being in school has taught you that fighting will not work (usually, people figure this out in Grades K to 3). Flight works well, and does not mean that you run away – but you’ll become very good at avoiding conflict. You make jokes and act goofy; you will do nothing rather than make an effort because you are afraid of being judged.
You will do pretty much anything for the right kind of attention. You are highly sensitive to positive feedback. But, it’s a rare treat. You spend so much time getting negative feedback that you sometimes distrust positive feedback. You will keep trying for it and can work hard for it – yet you are afraid that if you get it, it will be disingenuous or followed by the dreaded “but.”
Relationships are your favorite. ADHD allows you to form very immediate connections. There are few folks in the world who are easier to form positive relationships with than kids with ADHD. They can be brutally honest, and they tend to value the same. Mutual respect can resolve many of the ADHD-related challenges.
Simple tasks are boooring! Few of us enjoy rote, routine, boring tasks (laundry, dishes, vacuuming etc.). Imagine if your day was six hours of nothing but stapling papers. Six hours every day, five days a week (oh, and if you have not completed X amount of stapling, you have to bring your stapling home). That is how kids with ADHD often feel about worksheets. Try to be cautious about creating engaging work – worksheets can be a necessary evil (especially for developing automaticity and mastery of rote skills). But over-reliance builds discontent.
You have about 17 things happening in your head at all times. Picket fences neither picket, nor do they fence. That’s odd… and so are your trains of thought, sometimes.
You can game/play LEGO etc. for hours – without being distracted. Actually, you just “look” like you can’t be distracted. Distractions while gaming are limited to the basic sensory inputs of vision and hearing. Also, games provide high-intensity immediate positive reinforcement (remember what I said earlier about positives?) The split-second you press a button or move a controller, you get a reinforcement of noise and light. ADHD is highly satisfied by immediate positive reinforcement. A math test or social studies project is simply no match for a loud noise and shiny pixels.
You are under construction. You know that you drive your parents and classmates bananas sometimes, and you wish you didn’t, but you’re young and your brain hasn’t finished baking yet. Your brain is different and you rely on patience and kindness from others.
Potential can be a dirty word. You have heard about potential for years – specifically, how much you have, how great it is – and how you don’t live up to it. Think about this message – over time, what happens to potential if you never live up to it? And, in all fairness, name one person who lived up to their potential – and then just stopped? We all have potential, we all try to live up to it and we all fail to do so. But in failing, we learn, we adapt, we overcome.
You make excuses. Adults should think about asking you to give reasons instead.
You should be proud of your ADHD. Adults should try to help you find ways to make it work for you – and ask you about how that could work. One way would be for you to have a range of choice (not unlimited choice, that’s overwhelming) and not too little (that’s frustrating).
ADHD does not live in isolation – often, it brings along many friends, like anxiety, learning disabilities, ASD, giftedness, depression, substance abuse, and others. Try to understand that again, none of these things are your choice – like most kids, you just want to be normal. Having a neuropsychological condition was not something you signed up for. And the presence of comorbid disorders is an additional bit of fun and games that you could live without, but ADHD does not like to be alone.
Humor goes a long way! Even failed attempts at humor help, especially if you admit that it was a failed attempt – it makes you human.
You also thrive on structure and routine, as much as I like things to be active and engaging. You like to have a general overview of the day – it soothes your mind by allowing you to worry about one fewer thing.
Absolutes bother you, and vagueness bothers you. So using phrases such as “total meltdown” or “completely defiant” or “never listens” or “always bother other students” are not helpful. They are vague and deterministic. They do not allow you to have hope for change, nor do they provide you with any clarity in terms of what you may have been doing wrong to upset the applecart at that particular time. Specific and hope-based messaging works way better.
Dr. Brent Macdonald is a frequent guest on CBC, Global Television, Breakfast Television, and CTV. He is currently the lead psychologist with his own practice, Macdonald Psychology Group (complexlearners.com), which in addition to providing counseling and assessment services, also provides consultation services to educators and parents.
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